How are children affected by divorce?

by Marlon on January 20, 2010

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There are definitely many factors that will determine how a child is affected by divorce.  These include: the age of the child when the divorce takes place, the relationship between the child and each parent prior to the divorce, how the decision for divorce is communicated to the child and etc.

For my brothers and me, my parents’ divorce impacted each of us differently.  When the divorce was finalized, I was already out of college and living on my own.  Now some would think that because I was a young adult when my parents got divorced that it would not have had a tremendous impact on me.  However, it did impact me because I found myself questioning the institution of marriage. Can love really last forever or “…until death do us part?”

Children are definitely affected by divorce because their life changes in some way.  For younger children, it may be the adjustment of getting accustomed to seeing one parent only on the weekends or during summer vacations.  While for older children, it may be maneuvering and navigating through the turbulent waters of what is acceptable to be said of one parent to the other parent.

So yes, children are impacted by divorce because change has taken place.

There’s no doubt about that.  But before the actually filing of divorce papers, are there other ways that children are impacted by a “non-filing” divorce?  What I’m talking about is when children do not feel they are getting adequate time with one or both of their parents.  Or when children don’t feel that their parents really love them.

Just because a divorce has not been filed does not mean children cannot experience the same feelings associated with a filed divorce.

Mom and Dad can live under the same roof physically and yet, not be connected emotionally, spiritually or mentally.  And for many children, they can pick up on their parents’ disconnect.

So how can we strengthen our children to be healthy, loving and productive children regardless of divorce, whether it be a “non-filing” divorce or a filed divorce?

Here are two questions for your consideration:

  1. How much time are you spending with your child each day?  Spending quality time with your child each and every day is the best way to communicate your love because for a child, spending quality time correlates with love.  Schedule it in your daily list of activities because your child truly values time with you without any distractions.
  2. Does your child really know how much you love him or her?  Those three words, “I love you” are so impactful.  So many grown adults have shared with me that their father or mother, and for some, both parents never said, “I love you.”  Make opportunities throughout the day to tell your child how much you love him or her because it makes a profound difference.

As parents, let’s do our best to ensure that our child or children have a solid foundation in knowing without a doubt that they are loved and special regardless of what challenges that may come in the future.

Question:  What are some of the results that you’ve either personally experienced or seen others experience as children of parents who got divorced?

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Tagged as: Children, Single Parents

  • E. Roth
    My parents divorced just after I married and it effected me until the day they (both) died 40 years later. It effected every birthday, every Christmas, every family get-together. My mother remarried to a "man" that made my father look like a saint. That marriage never lasted either. We were a family of five. My eldest brother divorced his wife and had a child in a (failed) common law relationship and ended up drinking himself to death, my second eldest had a failed marriage, my sister never married but had two children, my youngest brother would have ended up in jail if he hadn't joined the Navy. I read once that children can withstand the death of parent easier than a divorce, because they blame themselves. The divorced parents generally go on to others who often abuse their children in horrible ways. Check out the street kids.... how many come from the homes of divorced couples? So no one will ever convince me that divorce does not effect children and if you think you are going to gather more "into the fold" with Liberal ideas on marriage/divorce you wrong. Divorce does have a huge effect on children. Maybe you need to take lessons from Dr. Laura Schlesinger. People need to pay more attention to who they marry in the first place.
  • greggory_sarkowski
    When me and my ex-wife had a divorce early this year, we tried our best to explain it to our kids and for them to accept it soon. My ex-wife used a kids'planner/organizer which really helped them cope up with this situation. So far, they have been doing ok. Thanks to co-panning-manager.com (http://4help.to/children) and its kids'planner.
  • marlonsmith
    Greggory, thanks for sharing this resource. It is important that we utilize various resources that help us maximize our true potential. I visited the website. In what ways have you found the kid's planner / organizer to make a difference?
  • Syreeta
    Menabear I totally agree with you! That is why it is imperative to continuously strive for a healthy marriage. That is our purpose for creating this site. We realize how important it is for families that marriages survive.

    I totally agree that sometimes staying together when things are really bad can be just as bad if not worse than divorce for you and your children. It is because of that, that your children grow up and get themselves in an unhealthy situation and think it's normal. They then go on to perpetuate the dysfunctional cycle we know today.

    Children see more then we realize. No matter what we say to them they are watching what we DO much more than anything we say. Let's lead by example....a healthy example.

    A healthy marriage is not something that just happens we have to work at it. It may be rough at times but as long as you have two people that are committed...it can be. As long as you believe and trust in the Creator of all things...it can be.

    Marriage challenges us to grow in our areas of weakness. That may come by way of conflict in marriage. Challenges are opportunities for growth. It is how we respond to those challenges that matters most. How often are you willing to lay down yourself for your spouse? I challenge you to check out a post from Lisa & Mike Shea on February 2nd to learn more about how the concept of love and respect changed their marriage.

    Because of what you experienced you now have gotten a glimpse on how divorce can effect children. That is even more reason to stick it out. I am not saying to stick it out through it all. That is a choice one has to make for himself. God hates divorce and even He has limits.

    Through prayer all things are possible... I am soo happy that things worked out for the better for your and your husband. I wish you all the best!
  • Cousin Kim
    I have to agree with Menabear that a "Healthy Household" is important for children. My mother and father separated when my sister and I where very young so we do not remember what took place between the two of them. I believe their separation was in our best interest because I look at my half sisters who had our father in their lives from day one and the up bringings are night and day.

    For majority of my life I was raised in a second generation single family household that was filled with so much love. My mother and grandmother ensured that my sister and I had what we needed and often made tremedous sacrifics for us. Society trys to project that something like this does not exist but it does. Yet my half-sisters were raised in a two parent home and are extremely disfunctional. They witnessed first hand the discord between their parents and its impact is affecting them today.

    As for my marriage, I thought I was doing the "right" thing by staying in my marriage for my kids but in all essence, it was the complete opposite. It wasn't until my now 20 y/o daughter told me that she couldn't wait for me and my EX to part ways. They knew we weren't connected to one another as our actions showed. But thankfully, it didnt take us much time to realize what we were going through, the kids were going through it too and made an immediate decision to do whats best for the kids and ourselves. The kids first. We now reside in two separate homes, have open custody for the youngest, and everyone is "happy". We still do things as a family because we will always be connected through our children.
  • Menabear
    Nice article. I've read statistics that show how divorce sometimes impacts adult children worse than smaller children. I personally, was separated several years ago for one year. The impact on the children was heart wrenching. I saw grades decline, anxiety (nail biting), separation anxiety(are you comin' back?), disappointment, and a multitude of other things. Once my husband and I got help for the entire family and reconciled, the children's symptoms improved drastically. It was amazing to witness. 'Tis also true that living in a household filled with tension is sometimes worse than the actual divorce or separation. Children are watching your EVERY move whether we know it or not. They look to us for signals on how to have healthy relationships and be healthy people. Two parent households are very important but a healthy household (two parent or not) is what the ultimate focus should be for young, developing minds and personalities.
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