What are the lessons you’ve learned while dating?

by Marlon on January 4, 2010

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For all the people that you have either been attracted to, liked or dated, what were the lessons you learned? Are there any common similarities or patterns that you see? For those that you previously dated, why did the relationship end?

I ask these questions because for some people, they just bounce from one relationship to another relationship without learning any lessons for their personal growth.

You know what I’m talking about… Two people meet and there’s excitement because everything is new. Things start off great because there’s mystery and fun in getting to know someone. And then what happens?

Come on, you know the answer. Either the relationship ends or continues and gets more serious. And for those relationships that continue, one of two things can happen. They eventually break up with more serious consequences because of the stronger emotional ties or they continue into a long-term relationship ultimately resulting in marriage.

So what lessons have you learned from your dating experiences?

For me, as I reflect on my previous relationships, I realize that I’ve made quite a few mistakes. It was never my intention for the lady with whom I was dating or me to get hurt but that’s sometimes how things turned out.

Isn’t it interesting how most of us learn the “Rules of Dating” from movies, our favorite TV shows and music lyrics? And let’s not forget how the advice that we receive from our friends and older siblings influence our decisions. And ultimately, it’s the blind leading the blind because they too are influenced by what they hear and see in the media.

There is value in taking time to reflect upon previous relationships, the choices you’ve made, and their corresponding consequences.

For me, three primary lessons I’ve learned are:

  1. You must first feel whole and complete within yourself, appreciating who you are because it’s true that no one can make you feel whole and secure if you don’t already feel it.
  2. Prior to dating someone new, there is tremendous value in determining your intentions and desired outcomes for this particular relationship. Being honest and sharing your intentions up-front allows you and the other person to develop a deeper level of communication. The benefit of this open communication is that it will save you from unnecessary drama caused by two people having different desires and perspectives about what the relationship really means.
  3. Having sex DEFINITELY changes a relationship. In most relationships, sex means different things to each partner. Realize this: Sex is not love and loving someone does not have to include sex. Considering all of the potentially negative consequences associated with sex outside of marriage like undesired emotional ties, sexually transmitted diseases, getting pregnant, and expectations not being met, ask yourself, “Is having casual sex worth the negative consequences?” Here’s something to consider: “Is the short-term pleasure of sex worth the long-term pain of confusion, despair and regret?”

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  • I don't have a ton of dating experience having been married my entire adult life, but I did just go through a divorce a year ago and am now in a new relationship. Why did it end and what lesson have I learned? The biggest thing I have come to learn is to not lose yourself. While I was married my whole life was about my husband, kids, soccer practice, cooking dinner, furthering his career, etc. All of those are important things to do in a marriage, but they can't be the ONLY thing. You can't forget about yourself. My relationship and marriage ended because I lost myself. And because I lost myself, I started to resent everyone around me. My marriage was never about me, I was never allowed to do anything for myself, have outside interests or just do something because I felt like it. In my new relationship, or if I ever decide to get married again, the one thing I will ensure doesn't happen is that I lose myself again. I have new interests, activities and I am having fun in life, and being happy with yourself is truly the only way to be happy in a relationship.
  • Donna, I truly value what you've shared regarding the importance of being INTENTIONAL with the time that we spend with our children because in many situations, they model what they see.

    Sasha, thank you for your kind words. I believe there are many men who share similar values but unfortunately, they are not getting featured in the media. One of the reasons that we started this blog is to help us all be more CONSCIOUS regarding how we are treating others and living life.

    Harry, your journey in your relationship with Katie was very insightful. Isn't it amazing how we are BLESSED with meeting an incredible person UNEXPECTEDLY and that relationship elevates into a life-long marriage? I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience with us.

    Question: Are there any books that anyone suggests for experiencing HEALTHIER relationships?
  • Hey Marlon and Syreeta
    Thanks for inviting me to share
    How much space is available on this blog?!!!!!
    You know this is such an important subject for me
    So I'll hold back on delivering a workshop and share some lessons for now ;-)

    My 1st Lesson
    Whilst I was dating Katie I had no intention of settling down with her, it was just fun. I met Katie when I was 21 years old and I recall my mum asking me if I was serious about her and I laughed. My mum had planted as seed in my mind about settling down and I began to wonder who my ideal partner would be, [still not even thinking about Katie]
    A friend of mine was having a challenge in life where he was considering leaving home and I recall myself reminding him that there were many great things about being at home versus the great things about leaving home. I said to him, "Its not always about what you want to get, its about what you got that you want"
    You know when you say something to someone and you are meant to hear it yourself!!!
    Well it was a lesson for me, as I was focusing on what my ideal partner would be like based on conditioning from my peers, tv, family and so on
    Yet when I began to ask what have I got with Katie, the answer was "she's my best friend" that year we got engaged and married a few years later and she is the most important person in the world to me. So now when people ask me, how do you know if s/he is the one, i always reply with - if you are willing to make him/her the most important person in your life, then that's the one!

    My 2nd lesson is,
    If you can live with your partner for a while to see if you are really committed forever as dating someone and living with someone are two very different experiences!

    My 3rd and most important lesson is
    Make sure your partner is the most important person in your life, before and after you are blessed with children, then when your children grow up they learn what it means to love their partner. As well as when they leave you and your spouse do not have a void to fill as, the most important person in your life is still there

    Thanks Marlon and Syreeta for setting up this very much needed community, for being model parents and partners and for being in my life
    xx

    To even more effective and fulfilled families
    Harry
  • Very insightful & very refreshing to hear a Man speak in this way as far as generalizing relationships as a whole. Too many times have I read about the rules & what I should or shouldn't do as a Woman to keep & please a Man. This was straight forward & not laced w/ gender roles. Loved it! And I agree with Donna, rooting that self esteem starts at home and helps nurture the foundation we need to bring a complete healthy "Me" into a relationship. Sad part, the majority of my generation has no sense of self & are completely blind leading the blind.
  • These are such great points! Knowing yourself, knowing your intentions and not becoming involved physically are vital. As I have seen it, the biggest challenge is that so many people are not trained to do those things. Most people kind of learn on the job, without any formal direction or encouragement from people we can trust. This is where my husband and I feel that parenting comes in. Our kids are very young now, but we plan to work with them to discover who they are so they can appreciate all of the things they bring to the table in a dating relationship. Self esteem and spiritual grounding is where it starts. I had little of that kind of training as a young girl, but I'm looking forward to changing my family legacy with my daughter.
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