During the month of February, we are excited to profile a different couple each day on our Blog site. We have asked each couple to share their answers to specific questions concerning marriage and family. The couples we have invited are at different stages in their marriage… Some have been married for decades while others for a few years. There are even couples who are separated with hopes of reconciling as well as couples currently experiencing a challenging time in their marriage. The one thing all of these couples have in common is their willingness to share “real” insights to help strengthen other marriages, families, and those desiring to be married.
Marriages are NOT all perfect and just because there are challenges doesn’t mean it cannot evolve into a GREAT marriage. Challenges = Growth Opportunities.
Our intention is to create more realistic depictions of marriage…the “real” deal and what it takes to make a marriage work. As you will realize by reading these couples’ insights, GREAT marriages don’t just happen. They take conscious effort and continuous work.
So let us learn from their wisdom. Feel free to chime in and ask questions or even just share your thoughts. After reading today’s insights, post your comment to the question: “What did I learn from today’s insights?” Let’s continue sharing insights. It is our desire to create a dialog so we all learn from others’ experiences and mistakes because this will help create more healthier marriages and families. Join the movement!
Let’s now read some insights from Shed and Mary Barber…
Married 21 Years and 2 Children
- What are you doing to ensure your marriage is healthy and loving?
Remember how it all began. Understanding your past helps navigate your future!
We have been married for 21 years and were college sweethearts. Most people were surprised to see us become a couple because we certainly had different personalities and backgrounds. But what we had in common was that we both shared a love for great conversation, similar career interest (pre-med), and were very involved in student life at our university (sorority/fraternity, student government, dormitory resident advisors). Ironically, a mutual friend told us both about each other, not because he was match making—just to let us know about another student who we would meet on campus. He was the most shocked when we began dating because he could not believe we were that compatible.
I always tease my husband because I do not think he would have ever even gotten to know me unless he had seen me at his apartment complex in a bathing suit with my roommate trying to meet some upperclassmen that lived in his complex. I always like to remind him how shallow he was at the time and tease him about what a “diamond in the rough” he would have missed if he had not noticed me that day. Shedrick was very outgoing and I was very reserved…
College days brought much growth in changing career goals, disappointments, and development of independence but it allowed us to dream about a future together. We believe that our marriage is a great marriage because it began as a friendship and is based on a friendship that recognizes and values our differences, embraces the differences, and allows them to enhance and add value to our partnership. Our relationship evolved into a partnership with God leading and directing us. And truly works best when we allow Him to be the head. Our marriage became a covenant based in Christ and that has helped to sustain us through all of our difficult times. We have always participated in couples’ ministries at the churches we have belonged to because we know that we can learn much (good and bad) from the examples of others. We always have some seasoned (older) couples that we admire and try to emulate in our lives because we realized early on that making a marriage survive and thrive requires hard work. And yes, we are still putting in the work.
- How do you keep the passion and excitement alive in your marriage?
Plant seeds often. We ask each other simple questions. “Do I still make you happy?”… “What do you want for your birthday, Christmas, dessert?” Some of our gifts are self-serving. One year I gave Shedrick an empty box with a note, “I owe you whatever you want – meet me in the bedroom.” Same thing applies for anniversaries – Gives each other images to think about in advance. Be spontaneous - Just remember to lock the door. Best advice given to us as a young couple: Keep the kids out of the Master bedroom. This was at times difficult. My husband was jealous of nursing babies. Both our babies slept across the hall. Get them comfortable in their own room otherwise; you will have teenagers sleeping in the MBR while Dad sleeps in theirs. Exercise is also important. It reduces stress, increases energy, and has other rewards.
We do our best to keep the spice in our marriage by continuing to date, at least going out twice monthly without the kids. Watching movies together at home, sharing about our day every evening when we come home, touching / hand holding to maintain intimacy outside of sex has been great in keeping the fire alive. We have gone on some wonderful vacations where we really enjoyed spending time together alone. We set goals for ourselves, financial and personal, each year and we write them down so we can look back and see how close we have come to achieving them. We strive to resolve conflict by having open communication about all issues, seeking not to allow anger to spill from one day to another. We do our best to only express how we feel as opposed to using generalities about how “You always…” or “You never…” We have learned to compromise 50/50, 1/99, 20/80 – it will all balance out in the end. We have learned that letting peace reign is the only way to be happy in our household.
- What makes the difference between having a GREAT marriage and a good marriage?
We think that the difference between a good marriage and a great marriage is the willingness to work at all times at making whatever you have even better and not just accepting what you have. We believe that the more we learn to put the other person first, neither of us will ever be in last place because we each are doing that. We know that our marriage has survived seasons of change and that it can never stay the same because we have both grown and changed so much in our 28 years of knowing each other. We have learned to laugh at ourselves, learn from our many mistakes, and move forward into the destiny that we know God has prepared for us. We know that we have to honor our relationship together, above all others, except for the one relationship that we each have alone with God. We have learned to encourage and support friendships outside of our marriage that complement who we are. We have developed enough confidence over the years in the strength of our relationship not to be intimidated by other things that make our spouse who they are. God also places people in lives to encourage us. Allow God to send “outside” help. Shedrick is not the best person to take to the mall. It frustrates him. And I am not the best person to negotiate with a car salesman. We have learned to enjoy and embrace our differences and see them as the unique perspective that we each bring to the table.
- How important a role does God play in your marriage and family?
God IS at the center of our marriage – He has to be to have kept it together. We had pre-marital counseling prior to marriage and knew that God was an important part of both of our lives. It is amazing how God has grown and developed each of us individually and as a couple as we have learned to trust Him and allow His will for our lives to reign. It has been a journey but one that has allowed us to realize that we cannot change each other – only God can and only through prayer for one another can we petition Him to change us. We have both grown spiritually at different times and at the same time during our marriage.
From the beginning, we decided that divorce was not an option. No matter how mad or upset we became over anything, knowing that you could not opt out meant you had to find a way to work it out. When we first married, we lived 600 miles away from family, and that meant there was nobody to go to when you weren’t getting along – you had to work it out and I believe that really has strengthened our marriage from the beginning because we had to trust and depend on each other.
- How do you resolve conflict so you maintain peace and harmony in your family?
Communication is the key to solving all of our problems. From understanding and studying the different love languages, to preventing the shutting down that is so easy to do but so destructive to real solution finding, we have learned that we must hash out all of our issues no matter how long, difficult, painful, or fruitless it seems to be at the time. We have learned that love is an action verb—it is definitely a choice of behavior and not a fickle feeling. Real Love can conquer all. 1 PETER 4:8 reminds us that love covers a multitude of sins and it really can if we allow it to. We have been there for each other through job losses, miscarriages, loss of parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and know that with God we are able to get through anything together.
We also learned to supplement what our church was offering by not being afraid to participate in other church’s fellowships, marriage retreats, and were even involved with professional marital counseling at one time during our marriage to work through difficult issues. The important thing is just that both of us have been willing at all times to realize that our marriage is not static – it is living, breathing, growing, and changing daily.
We have both had to play different roles, learning that whoever is available at the time must learn to morph, and do whatever needs to be done. Essentially, there are no defined roles because those traditional roles never fit our circumstances. We never allowed the size of our paycheck to determine our significance or contribution to our household or marriage. Whoever can get home first can start dinner, whoever is not working outside of the home at the time can keep the housework up and run errands and take the kids to activities. We have had various seasons in our marriage where one person’s job responsibilities required travel, constant project deadlines, attendance with spouse in tow to community functions, overnight call shifts, very extended hours,—– to whatever. We have learned not to be defined by what we do to keep our family unit strong, but by Who’s we are. We have learned that our value it not defined by anybody’s standard but God’s and what we mean to those we love. Jobs come and go, but Love never fails.
What did you enjoy the most from reading this couple’s insights? Do you have additional insights?
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