I’m thankful to say that I met my wife when I was 17 years old – the first day I set foot on my college campus at the University of Maryland Baltimore County. We were participating in a pre-college program as part of the scholarship we won (The Meyerhoff Scholarship program). I remember thinking the first time I saw her, “That could be my wife.” I never felt that way before. We had so many things in common – same major, went to rival high schools in the same county, knew a lot of the same people and we both knew fairly quickly that God planned for us to be together. We knew within 30-60 days of meeting that we wanted to get married, but needed to do things in order. We were together (dating) for the next four years and got married between undergrad and graduate school. We had disagreements like any young couple would, but never broke up.
Married 10 Years with 2 Children
We took a slightly different course prior to marriage and went through pre-marital counseling prior to getting engaged. We felt that many people get engaged then go through counseling – but their emotions are too committed to objectively listen to what comes out in counseling. And we wanted to be freed up to do God’s will after counseling – even if that meant we shouldn’t be together. So we went through 7 weeks of counseling (with homework each week) the summer before our senior year of college. Counseling went well and we got engaged just before classes started our senior year. The Lord has and does play a major role in our relationship. We’re both children of divorce, but always felt strongly that marriage is for life and do everything we can to remain committed to that principle. We would love to be one of those couples that’s still married and holding hands after 50 or 60 years of marriage – with a lifetime of memories of what God has allowed us to experience together. By God’s grace, 10 years of marriage and two children later, we’re still going strong. There are some things that I think have helped us in our marriage so far…
1. Your spouse comes first. This can be tough for people that have tight-knit families. But we’ve found that some of the marriages that are in the most trouble are because the spouses are spending more time complaining to and communicating with (other) family members than working through conflict with their spouse. We highly recommend moving away for a year or two if you can. When your spouse is the only person you know in a city or state, it forces you to depend on them and God and builds your confidence that the three of you can weather any storm.
2. Men – being the head of your household doesn’t mean you can’t listen to your wife. They have your best interest in mind and can see some things we can’t. One of the areas that I have to give my wife credit for is helping me understand the value of taking a vacation every year. I’m in “get it done” mode all the time… but it’s healthy to have time to relax, reflect and re-group. It’s taken a few years, but now I actually look forward to going on vacation. We’re looking forward to building those memories with our children now and we’re working to take a couple-only vacations at least every other year to have some alone time.
3. Be willing to apologize to your spouse. No one is right all the time. When you’re wrong, you should admit it. When they’re wrong, have a short memory and be willing to forgive. If you do forgive, don’t keep bringing up old material and using it against them in future conflicts.
4. Before you accuse your spouse of not meeting your needs, think about whether you’ve clearly communicated your needs in a way they can understand. Many of us get mad because we have unrealistic expectations that we expected our spouse to understand. In other cases, the expectations may have been reasonable, but the timing or the way we communicated those needs created distance.
5. Realize that your spouse is not the enemy. The wonderful person you married didn’t just turn into someone you can’t stand overnight. Some periods of life are going to be stressful no matter how much you plan and prepare. Keep talking to your spouse, not at them when you’re going through rough patches. Think about how you can meet their needs. Many times, the smallest things help when you’re going through big rough patches. Getting your spouse a glass of water in the middle of the night without grumbling… a hug or a card at the right time… flowers when it’s not a holiday.
6. Pray for your spouse.
7. If you have children, try to work out times when each spouse has some alone time each day to spend time with God and think.
8. It’s not fair for one spouse to always plan everything and the other just criticizes. Share the burden of planning – “you plan vacation this year and I’ll take next year.”
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